June 6, 2018. It will forever be etched into my mind. The morning started off normally as I was awoken by the cries of my darling daughter. Sleepily, I crawled out of bed and made her a bottle for her breakfast. While feeding her, I felt the nausea that was becoming the norm once again. Nothing out of the ordinary. For some reason, Selah decided to eat and then go right back to sleep. I decided to go lay down for a few quick moments longer as well, but had to use the restroom first. And that’s when my morning changed. That’s when I saw the blood.
At first, I was convinced that it was implantation bleeding, but the thought of, “Why so late?” kept crossing my mind. I decided that it was simply nothing and went to lay down. However, as I laid in bed, my mind started to worry more and more. I had to tell my husband, but I didn’t even know how. I was determined not to cry. However, when my husband came, he automatically knew something was wrong– he could tell. So, I told him. Tears came as the truth came out. I told him what I had hoped. We both decided to give it time and see what happened.
While he left for work, I began to google symptoms of a miscarriage. Something I had hoped I wouldn’t have had to google. My symptoms were matching, but again, I hoped that it was just something normal.
You see, by this time, I was five weeks pregnant. Was I terrified? Absolutely! Our baby was only three months old! We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but here we were. We first suspected when I began to be very nauseated again. Nothing I ate was staying down. You see, I get nauseated right away in pregnancy. No waiting until 8 weeks for me! The nausea hit and stayed with me all day. And I knew. I just knew that I was pregnant again. I was so scared to tell anyone as my baby was just born.
I am a person who hates confrontation or negative interactions of any kind. I just knew what people were going to say once they found out. Instead of being overjoyed at first, I was terrified. People were going to tell me how irresponsible I was. People were going to be snarky. And I didn’t think I could handle that! I already was scared of having two children only 11 months apart. I was scared about having 9 months of constant nausea and sickness again. I was terrified and didn’t know who to turn to. So I prayed. I should have started with that in the first place!
And God gave me peace. Was I still scared? Absolutely, but I knew that God was going to get me through this. So, I started planning. Planning how we were going to tell people. Planning what his name would be. Planning and planning and planning. I only told a few people. My best friends, my parents, and my sister-in-law who had boys one year apart. I knew it was a little boy. I know that sounds crazy, but I just knew. I had all sorts of plans! My belly started growing ever so slightly and I began to look forward to this little boy coming into our lives.
But then came June 6. On June 6, God saw fit to take my little boy home. As the day wore on, the bleeding became worse, and continued heavily. And I knew. God called my little boy to heaven. At first, it didn’t really hit me that my baby was gone. I was still hoping inside that I was just having one of those freak things that can happen. It wasn’t until Sunday night when a lady in my church asked me how my body was healing after my daughter. And that’s when it really hit me that I lost my little boy. I couldn’t lie to her. So, I told her the truth. And that’s when the sobbing tears came. That night was one of the hardest. The next morning was even harder. After my husband left for work, I just cried and cried. I determined that my little boy should have a name. After talking to Cody about it for a while we decided to name him Luke Alexander Harned.
My heart was utterly broken. While taking a shower, I just poured out my heart to God and asked Him why He had to take my little boy home to heaven. I wondered if there had been something wrong that I had done that had caused my body to miscarry him. I sunk into depression for a few days. I cried very often. I clung to the verses in Psalm 23. And I knew that through it all, I needed to trust Him that He knew what was best for me. I needed the example of Job. Even though Job lost everything, he said in Job 13:15, “ Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.”
I really needed these verses when later that week, someone told me that my little boy wasn’t in heaven. This person told me that babies that are miscarried don’t go to heaven since they were never born. They just cease to exist. This broke my heart even more. I struggled with anger and depression. Then another friend began to text me and asked how I was doing. I told her what had happened and she began to encourage me with the example of David losing his baby. David said that he would see his baby again too. Friends like this one are so crucial during times like these. I needed that encouragement. I needed kind words. I needed a hug. There were three friends, besides my husband, that I can say were the biggest encouragement to me during this hard time. I am so thankful for them!
I struggled with writing about my struggles with my miscarriage. I struggled with people telling me that my pregnancy wasn’t valid. That my baby wasn’t that far along so it wouldn’t hurt as much. I struggled and I struggled. And the thought came to me. If I struggled this much, then someone else might be struggling with the same thing just as much as I was and am. There are still days that I fall completely apart thinking about my little Luke. There are days that I still ask God why He took him home. There are still days I wonder what my life would have been like with my little boy here. Yet, I am going to choose, just like Job, to trust God. To simply trust Him.
Job 1:21 “the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”